He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
