dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
