Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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