I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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