I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
