So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
