he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
