Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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