This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
