Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
