the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
