I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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