I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
