there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
