All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
