I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
