I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
