Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You're like the curious george of whores
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
