remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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