That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
