If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
