areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
