Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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