just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
