he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
