Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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