pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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