Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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