So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
