my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
