I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize