I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
