he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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