That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
