What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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