You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
