I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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