he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
