My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
