You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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