Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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