dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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