So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
