guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
