woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
