Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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