woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
