I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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