it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
