didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
