Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
