Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
