I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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