I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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