I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
