Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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