rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She announced her abortion via fbk
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize